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CROSS WITH HIDDEN DEPTHS


Dear Messer’s Gaden,


It has been my misfortune to recently have your album, ‘Believe The Hype’, played to me by a concerned parishioner of mine. She came to me seeking advice and spiritual guidance about how she is seen by men, after listening to some of the tracks from this abomination of a CD, and having listened to it myself before making a judgement, I share her concerns.

It is a torrent of chauvinistic, misogynistic content, the like of which I’ve never heard before, nor frankly wish to hear again. You demean and debase women to the point of objects whose purpose is to fulfil your sordid fantasies and pleasure.

You should realise that women are equal to men, throughout the Book of Luke it is expressed ‘that man and woman stand together and side by side before God. They are equal in honour and grace; they are endowed with the same gifts and have the same responsibilities’.

The Phrase ‘From Hull, Hell, and Halifax good Lord deliver us’  is apt in this case, what with the shameful abuse of drugs, as depicted on Channel 4 recently, to the appalling attitude to women held by yourselves and reflected in the lyrics of your songs. I would try to single one song out in particular, but I cannot, as they all have these repugnant overtones and I am still repulsed that I had to listen to them.

To finish my letter of objection here, please take heed, that I will endeavour to stop the circulation of this CD and put a stop to your repugnant efforts.

Rev Nehpets, The Friary, East Yorkshire


James says: Fantastic - already we have the ire of the God-bothering contingent - you’ve not made it until you’ve upset a reverend and his parishioners! You pointed out through the Book Of Luke that women are equal to men - so why is the church taking so long to recognise this in the constant struggle for females to become priests? And to say women and men are “endowed with the same gifts and responsibilities” is truly laughable. No wonder the church is so out of favour and people would rather list Luke Skywalker and the Jedis as their religion nowadays then the Book Of Luke you seem blinkered by. Women and men are very different - that’s pretty much basic biology, and if you lot weren’t too busy defiling choirboys, perhaps you’d have noticed. The album singles out women who are gold diggers. It singles out women who have no drive yet will criticise people who do. It singles out women who make poorly thought out decisions without planning ahead - ie having a boyfriend who is not good for them because they don’t want to be single. Most women wouldn’t want to be any of those things listed above, so unless they think they are, they can’t be offended. And then we have the other heinous crime of writing about not wanting to dance, and meeting a beautiful girl who sadly turns out to be a prostitute - this is what’s known as ‘humour’, something the church is sorely lacking. As for you, not being able to name any of our songs sounds to me a lot like ‘Didn’t listen to them at all but thought I’d have a pop anyway’. There is nobody more self righteous than God botherers, but if God has a grand plan and he does everything for a reason (albeit working in mysterious ways to use your classic cop out when you don’t know why something has happened) then Hidden Depths were meant to be, because here we are. God strike me down right now if I’m wrong.


I’m still here.


Buz says: I particularly pleased that you are offended by our work, Reverend, as I feel a real sense of achievement when I piss off an arsehole like you. I, like my brother, don’t hate women, I pity anyone (male or female) who doesn’t want to do anything with their life. The fact is, the majority of the people that we know who fall into this category, are insecure women. When I meet a woman who doesn’t match this description, she receives total support from the Bad Ass. As for the women fulfilling my sordid fantasies, why not? I’m a heterosexual man, and love to see sexy women - it’s natural. The more women the better! BFG believes in indulgence over abstinence any day of the week! I actually know some religious people who aren’t raving lunatics like you, yet you and your kind are the stereotype by which they are judged. Fuck you and everything you stand for!



FEARSOME FIGHTING


Dear Buz,


After watching the "Depth Charge" dvd, I was most concerned about the fight scene in it. Please do tell me, did you and you brother have stunt doubles for that? It looked awfully brutal and dangerous.

Thank you for taking time out of your hectic scedule to read this. Awaiting your answer with baited breath.

A concerned fan, Hull


Buz says: Dear concerned fan, thank you for your letter, and for having the common sense to get a copy of our critically acclaimed DVD. The fight scene was brutal, and it was indeed the real Buz and James delivering the seemingly savage blows. Hidden Depths never rely on others to do their jobs, so whilst dangerous, it was the only option for us to put our bodies on the line, in the name of entertainment. A lifetime of watching Steven Seagal movies, the Jerry Springer show, and WWE programming allowed us to perform the hardcore scene with only minor injuries.




PASSION FOR FASHION


Dear Hidden Depths


I am a stylist interning for a Dutch agency, and have happened to of seen your recent DVD release, and would like to use you as a project to gain myself employment here at Style-Aphoon.

If I may give you some pointers on your style here in this letter, with a view to meeting and taking the project further into the future and perhaps even our agency taking you on as clients, which you so obviously need.

James, your general insistence of looking like 'Granny Rocker Shaking Stevens' and having the dress sense of a slightly butch Bonnie Tyler, means you come across more Kajagoogoo than Kerrang. This needs to be addressed and you should become a bit more modern with your style, try looking at the fashions of the 90’s for a start, more Mitch Buchannon than Krystle Carrington.

Buz, you portray this typical air of a womanising rebel of a rock star, but your style with the short hair and cliché skulls and Satan-ish fashions are exceedingly similar to that of Judas Priest lead, Rob Halford in the 70’s when he was trying to cover up his homosexual tendencies. You need to face this like Rob did and simply admit your orientation, not to attempt to cover it like this, it may of worked in the 70’s, but in this enlightened day and age there is no reason and people do see through it. You could be the next Freddie Mercury, not the next Queen.

I hope this letter and my comments are of help and look forward to meeting you both soon to further your and my careers.

Roweena Hoyty, Style-Aphoon, Lange Niezel, 1012 GT Amsterdam


James says: Oh, that’s a good one - fashion advice from the Dutch, who dress their national team in Day-Glo orange. Orange! No self respecting human being on the face of this earth would wear a colour like that. It is found in nature on dangerous beasts, insects and plants as a warning. The same applies to humans who wear it - warning: this person has no taste. Firstly, my penchant for denim and white footwear does put me very much in the Shakin’ Stevens and Status Quo category - because we are all rock and rollers at heart, not heavy metal. Those guys have all sold more records and had longer careers than the top Dutch acts, like.... er.... I’ll come back to that one.

Better still are your fashion “tips” - to say I should look more at the nineties for inspiration via Mitch Buchannon rather than Krystle Carrington shows a staggering array of ignorance and misinformation. Krystle Carrington was in Dynasty all through the 80’s, and in the 90’s for a the mini series, so her fashion legacy technically includes a second decade. And anyone who knows anything about me will know I worship David Hasselhoff and am one of the biggest Mitch Buchannon fans on the planet. I have at least four identical outfits to ones he sported in one of my all time favourite shows, Baywatch Nights. That was in the nineties. And none of them were orange.

Fashion is something put in place by women and homosexuals, and followed only by women and homosexuals. James Gaden makes his own way, and like Status Quo and Shaky, has a trademark look. Slaves to fashion merely blend in with other slaves and are resigned to apathy from the public. Nobody of note every made it by being fashionable.


Buz says: Here we go again, the gay slurs.... Let me tell you something, Roweena, all of Judas Priest wore the cliche clothing you describe, and only one of them was bent, and the majority of their most famous work was the 1980’s, not the 1970’s. I am 100% straight, and my clothing is 100% straight, so you have a moot point. As for Halford’s short hair, I think that was mainly due to the fact that his hair was thinning way back in 1981, so he didn’t really have an option!



GETTING SHIRTY


Dear Buz,


I noticed you have some very outlandish shirts, which have become your trademark. I wanted to know how you came about them, and is there any truth that some of them are “gay” shirts?

Mr A. S. Sclown, Swindon


Buz says: One thing is for certain - Buz Gaden is sick of this “gay shirt” horseshit! This all came about because one person (you read that right - ONE) insinuated one of my macho garments was a bit suspect. The garment in question has since perished, and the shirts I wear today are universally recognised as both heterosexual, and massively rock and roll. I am one of the few people who dares to wear such outlandish shirts, and I can pull them off. Naturally this attracts jealousy from those less fortunate than I.....




WE HAVE A CRITIC


Dear James,


If I told you I was the guy who said the songs I heard on myspace were shit, and neither of you could sing, how would you respond?

Mr J. Ackass, Bainbridge


James says: Very simply, as I’m sure it’s the only way I could get through to a buffoon. If Tom Jones rings me up and tells me I can’t sing, or Tim Rice has a pop at my lyric writing, or maybe Paul McCartney questions my melodious offerings, I’ll take note. If, however, a pen pusher sat in an office, who has never done a damn thing of note in their miserable lives ridicules me for doing what I do, I’m not that fussed. If it’s constructive criticism then I’m fine with that (but Buz isn’t, so don’t give him any). If you’ve taken the time to say what you think and back it up, no problem. If you’re having a pop because I’m better than you, which is almost always going to be the case, I’ll do my own sweet thing thanks.




WILD THING


Dear Buz,


u are by miles the more rock + roll of the band coz u are the 1 who duz the drinking, and I luv gettin wasted. I lk 2 do all day benders on bank holz - f@k yeah! wots the most wildest fing u dun?

Miss S. Adtart, Hull


Buz says: Thank you for the kind words, but your spelling and grammar are a total disgrace. Whilst Buz Fucking Gaden is renowned for raising hell, he makes incredible accomplishments on a daily basis. A true wildman should be both rebellious and creative. Whilst my rebellious side is responsible for many of Hidden Depths’ front page stories, it is my creative side that is responsible for the hit records, and our huge success in general. As for your question, the wildest thing I have done may well be the time when I was massively wasted at 6pm (Greenwich Meantime), and fell asleep in my tea. It takes a real rock and roll bad ass to style, profile, and create such chaos during daylight hours to get into such a state at that time. I wouldn’t recommend it to you kids out there, as only a few of us are physically built for such wanton debauchery.... 




CHANGE OF DIRECTION


Dear James,


Did you find it a challenge to change your lyrical style to be harsher toward women on the amazing new album ‘Believe the Hype’?

Jake Sniffer, Lewisham


James says: When you have talent on loan from God himself, very little is a challenge. The first album was a direct result of how I was feeling at the time, and while Buz lambasts it now, he offered nothing better, so we went with my work. I know love songs have universal appeal, be it about love won or lost, so I was happy to write in that vein. But I’ve changed my view for the better under the tutorage of Charlie Stubbs and Gene Simmons. I’m more than capable of writing love songs again, but I think the future will see the love songs going to my solo albums, and the hard hitting truth like you heard on ‘Believe the Hype’ being the template for future Hidden Depths work. We pull no punches, don’t care about your feelings, we just spread the gospel.

YOUR LETTERS

Ever wanted to ask a member of Hidden Depths a question? Good! Those philanthropic boys now present you with the chance - simply send a question to one of their emails below, and if it’s a good one, they’ll answer it on here!

James: jamesgaden@hotmail.com

Buz: buzgaden@hotmail.com

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